Sunlight in my Threshold

Catching Sunbeams

2011-03-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

Photo Credit: I found it here.

We're so close now, days counted in single digits. I can't express just how much better I've felt the last 9 months. I'm my old self again, but happier, healthier, more vibrant. It's not "the glow" everyone talks about, it's deeper than that. It's done so much for me that I'm reluctant to let it go. I know I have to. "All good things," as they say. I just hope once we're on the other side, the after effects resonate a little longer than the experts predict. Experience tells me they'll be right, but I still cling to a little hope. In the meantime, I wait eagerly and expectantly, but unsure nonetheless. This sunbeam we've conjured, this glimmer making life shine a little brighter, I hope it isn't fleeting.

Some days, this is all I have...

2011-02-06T17:17:00.000-08:00

...and it isn't even mine.

I found it here.

But it speaks to me, as i suspect it speaks to many of us.

The Best Laid Plans

2011-01-29T23:09:00.000-08:00

I found it here.

Whoa, what happened..? 2010 was a very eventful year for me. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:

2009 sucked, and then I cried. A lot.

2010 I cried, then I found a way to cope. Coping gave me so much to deal with I almost dropped my basket entirely.

Eventually,coping lead to hope for the future. And then I made plans.

Those plans are currently in motion.

All that's left now is to see how the cards fall, and continue to hope for the best.

To hope that this doesn't go Of Mice and Men on me.

Or, if it does, it goes some place serendipitous.

2011, here we come.

How's that for ~~cliched vagaries~~ positive thinking?

Musings

2010-03-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

In my sleep deprived state, I find myself fixating on little things. Things that may seem insignificant, yet become miraculous and fascinating the longer I dwell on them. Things you might find in the odds & ends drawer in your kitchen, or bathroom, or desk.

Ode to Sundries

May the miscellany of life never be needed, but
may you always find them
when their application is paramount.

May the oddments of your life
always be orderly and accessible.
May your sleep be soothing and undisturbed,
your rest be deep and contented.

But if these things are not in your stars,
may your junk drawer surrender the damn breathe-right strips & ear plugs without a fight.

(Photo credit: I found it here.)

Walk me through it again...

2010-02-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

So, I've had this story idea sitting like a lodestone in my head for at least a year, and it's got characters, setting, general story arc, and etc. Basically, everything I need to get started, right? Sort of. It's got enough to make it viable, but also enough to make it difficult to navigate. It sits there, suggesting scenes, new ideas, plot points I'd like to hit all while making sure nothing else happens around it. I'll get something on paper and think, "Hey, this might work for that other story if I do..." and then everything gets stymied. Full stop. It doesn't progress and it doesn't stand on it's own either. The lodestone strikes again; attracting ideas, getting stronger, listening and building.

But, I decided to try a different tactic tonight by enlisting *a little book I received as a gift a few years ago. I flipped to a random page, then another & another until I found this:

A character walks into the kitchen at the end of the day. He finds something on the kitchen table that is not supposed to be there.

*** *** ***

He almost walked past it. Living as isolated as they were lent a familiarity to your surroundings that meant you stopped seeing them after a while. It also meant no visitors, no paper boy, no milk delivery man. The closest house was miles away, barely visible lights far down the shoreline. The town was even further. They preferred it that way. No one else could have been in the kitchen except for him, he knew that. It had seaweed tangled in it. He looked up from the scarf on the table and out the dark windows.

Unless it was her. But, why would she come back to this side of the loch? There was nothing to keep her, nothing to link the scarf to him or this house. She had disappeared as soon as he came to her aid. The fishermen had been a determined bunch, but they hadn't expected anyone else to be there. Why fishermen clearly out on a night cull would abandon their hunt to corner a girl instead was a mystery, but not a complicated one. The screaming that alerted him would also have scared away all the seals in the area. He must have lost his scarf in the fight, though he didn't realize it at the time. It was an easy fight, he'd surprised them. The locals were all excellent brawlers, as Scottish pride required. But, brawlers fighting blindly at night couldn't hold their own against his training.

He went to the kitchen door and checked the lock. It wasn't broken, the bolt was barely pushed aside. Just enough to get the door open, close enough to suggest maybe he hadn't locked it earlier after all. He pushed the bolt through again and surveyed the kitchen. Nothing was missing.

Back at the table, he gently picked up the scarf. It was heavy with water and sand, leaving a trail of both as he tossed it into the sink behind him. He'd take care of it tomorrow. There was a small, sodden leather pouch underneath it with a sprig of flowers wound up in the strings. He opened it and found a few pebbles, a light blue scrap of fabric and some green sea glass. Had her dress been light blue? It was hard to tell what she was wearing in the dark, and besides he'd been too busy defending her to notice. Was this a gift? A thank you of some kind? He looked around again. Why did she have to break in to leave it?

He put the pouch down, lost in thought.

He'd gone for a walk along the shoreline a few nights ago to think. Things weren't getting better, but he had some time before his wife's condition worsened. Time to make plans. He'd been staring out at the water when he heard the shouting and the screams. The men were locals, he'd seen them in the pub last time he was in town. Talk in town centered around what was to be done about the seals destroying more fishing nets than usual this season. Loch Fyne was dependent on fishing and tourism, and the two were dependent on each other as well. They couldn't afford to let the seals run amok in the drift nets. A cull was organized, as happened every few years, to keep the seal population in check. But why was that girl out there, alone at night?

"Micheal?" The quiet call from upstairs brought him back to the kitchen and why he was there.

"Be there soon, hon," he called back. He went to the fridge and pulled an apple and some cheese from within. Quickly, he sliced both onto a plate and made some tea, then went back upstairs to his wife, picking up a prescription bottle on his way.

Connie was sitting up in bed, her book forgotten. He walked around the bed to his side and sat, placing the plate in her lap and the tea on the nightstand.

"Eat this first, it'll help," he said, as he poured two little pills from the bottle.

---
*Thanks, Phoenix. :)

Exercising the Lost Art

2010-01-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I decided to spend more time in this space is to start writing more, and more often. I remember writing so regularly, once upon a time, and I feel the need to get back into it for many reasons. I find myself shrugging back into this familiar habit like an old flannel shirt I wore ages ago, so instantly comfortable and comforting. But, also like driving around my old neighborhood; I know all the landmarks, but finding them again is a bit of a puzzler. So, knocking around in my own skull means I get lost in familiar places, but I know where I'm supposed to be.

And, in my research through the internets on publicly writing the personal journey, I found a few blogs that resonated with me. This one, for instance. The following is my response to a creative writing assignment that felt like a fun little exercise, and I accepted. I hope she doesn't mind.

"...from Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones: Write a series of ten short poems. You only have three minutes to write each one; each one must be three lines. Begin each one with a title that you choose from something your eye falls on."

Post-its
perfect, yellow, smug
potential lying in wait
portents and sly smiles

Robot
little red robot
standing ready and forlorn
waiting for purpose

Desk
you stand here blinking
I sit thinking, desperate
for words I can share.

Rain
the staggering tears
echo in my heart, our pain
heals as it abates.

Fortune
a slip of paper
fell from a broken cookie-
may your heart be full.

Bookshelf
full of adventures
calling to take me away,
tantalizing me.

Phone
so loud in silence,
anticipate the ringing
without sound. listen.

Pen
it laughs quietly.
I shake it again, again-
hoping for brilliance.

Mug
I found you wanting
something to fill you, brimming
I feel it as well.

Cds
Singing in my mind
relics of technology
almost forgotten.

May You Live in Interesting Times

2010-01-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

I think I've been hesitant to post here knowing that this is completely public. I'm not advertising my presence, but I haven't locked everything down either. Also, my life has been a little too interesting in the last few months and that made posting nigh impossible. Oh stress, how you made me crumble. Tiny pieces of me all over the place. *Tsk* Such a mess.

Like many people, every New Year's Eve I look to the year ahead and hope for pleasant surprises and things to go generally according to plan. As far as I ever really plan, but anyway. Though I'm a little reluctant to say so out loud, last year was harder than I thought it was going to be, and it kept getting a little bit worse month by month. There were no earth-shattering events, no insurmountable odds, no Western standoff with nerve-jangling music and tumbleweeds. But, a series of isolated events -minor, and not so minor- that piled up one by one. The entire year nickel-&-dimed me and I barely noticed, like bank fees. Until everything culminated in the most painful December I've seen in a very long time. It left me feeling that 2010 has to be better, because all those little 'bank fees' have left me with not much left to pull from.

I feel as though Mr. Eastwood is about to walk through the broken window of my shattered illusions and ask me to speculate on the odds of my continued vitality. Not the sexy wake up call you hope for when you know you've just been had by a handsome, dangerous man. What? You heard me.

And, as much as my 2009 sucked, I choose not to dwell on those details here. I want this space to be free of my familial tendency toward being stoically disheartened. I will gather my things from the places they were strewn and carry on in an uncharacteristically hopeful and upbeat manner. Just see if I don't. Because, there were some very bright moments in 2009, and I hold them separate from the rest. They are moments that give me hope as I continue forward to all points upward and outward. What these hands can mold, I intend to make as bright and happy as possible. Even when the happiest I can manage may be only mildly amused. When you can't cry, you laugh. And when you can't find it in yourself to laugh, you find someone who can point out the bright side and is willing give you a swift boot to the backside to send you on your way. Thanks, baby.

California Dreamin'

2009-09-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer enough and held out for the fifty cents. ~Marilyn Monroe

Most people who know me know I'm not the biggest fan of living in Los Angeles. The highway system is an infamous nightmare and traffic can be unpredictably squirrel-y, gridlocked and dangerous all at once. The air quality is terrible even though some pretty big legislation has done quite a bit to clean it up. Los Angeles is overflowing with Industry hopefuls desperately working toward their Hollywood Big Break. Actors and ingenues, unknown screenwriters, film editors, makeup artists, casting directors, agents, managers and personal assistants, oh my! It's also a gateway city; a city where people from other countries emigrate to in hopes of starting new and maybe better lives. Los Angeles is a city known for its diversity and opportunity, its siren song of easy livin' and silver screen dreams in the California sun, but not necessarily for it's tolerance or sympathy. Empathy abounds, but it's tempered by a large dose of hunger and entitlement. All of that to say plenty of people here can understand what you're going through, because they're striving for the same things. But, their dreams are more important than yours, thanks anyway. If you're not helping them in some way, they have no use for you. Good luck, though! With all those hopes and desperate desires flying around it's easy to find yourself on the outside looking in, somehow shuffled to the sidelines. And there are plenty of people who have found themselves in the same position who aren't aware of others standing right next to them, all watching the game in play.

But, from the sidelines you can see the long game. Everyone is focused on their own lives and dreams, but they don't necessarily see what it's building toward, and what it's already accomplished. All this energy flying around, it has to find a resting place, right? It finds its own life and purpose. Most theaters feel haunted because of all the energy summoned and spent on the stages within them. It soaks into the building, making the space itself feel alive. Theaters become their own presence, entities full of all the emotions expended within their walls. And Los Angeles is a city full of sound stages, rehearsal spaces, and studio lots teeming with people spending their energies and chasing their dreams. I think the city itself has come alive, imbued with that energy. The siren song Los Angeles sings is the result of all those hopes and dreams finding purpose and life. Los Angeles is alive the same way theaters are alive. And I think Los Angeles is lonely, too. She sings her siren song searching for love, but finds herself attracting people looking for something else. So she continues to sing, fed by the hopes and dreams of those she's already found and getting stronger, still searching. Just like the rest of us. And sometimes she shows her love, but you have to look for it. Just like everything else in Los Angeles.

Sometimes I feel
like my only friend
is the city I live in
the city of angel
lonely as I am
together we cry

I drive on her streets
cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
cause she knows who I am
she sees my good deeds
and she kisses me windy...
~Red Hot Chili Peppers, Under the Bridge

Los Angelenos
all come from somewhere
to live in the sunshine
their funky exile
Midwestern ladies
high heeled and faded
drivin' sleek new sports cars
with their New York cowboys

Hiding up in the mountains
laying low in the canyons
goin' nowhere on the streets...
~Billy Joel, Los Angelenos

In the Shadow of Love

2009-05-09T14:28:00.000-07:00

Since I finished school about eight years ago, I have not had a job that I could turn into a career. And, if any of those jobs had even minimal health insurance, they definitely didn't have anything resembling dental insurance. But, I have that kind of job now! AND it has heath AND dental insurance! Calloo Callay! When I realized this, I breathed a sigh of relief because it's been well over 10 years since I've been to a dentist and I could finally pick up that phone, make an appointment and know that my insurance will pick up the lion's share of the bill! So I did! I felt so grown up! And, then I froze in horror at what I had done. I made an appointment with a dentist. A dentist! I haven't been to a dentist in over 10 years! What was I thinking?! This has the potential to be one of the most painful, guilt-ridden and embarrassing days of my life! What if I have a cavity? What if I have more than one? What if the dentist lectures me about oral hygeine so harshly that I burst into uncontrollable tears while he's got his hands & shiny dentist tools in my mouth?? What if he's cute, too?! What if one of us farts?! (Shut it. It could SO happen.) The horror!!

But, after all the angst, worry, stress and odd hypotheticals... it was fine. No cavities. There was a lecture, but it was not harsh. The x-ray process was awkward and weird, but nothing to obsess over later. He was even impressed that it had been so long since I'd seen a dentist & I didn't have any problems. He asked where I'd grown up, and was impressed again because apparently those places are not necessarily known for having a high flouride content in the water. So, I breathed another sigh of relief. The dentist was a nice guy with a gentle touch and calming voice. We made a follow-up appointment for another cleaning in about 6 months. I went home and smiled. A lot.

And then I got to thinking about my mouth and my mom. Which, I know is weird but hang with me. I have my mother's teeth. Not in a "glass on the table" way, that's gross. Let's say "I have my mother's smile." Our eye teeth stick out a bit, so do my sister's. Think of Kirsten Dunst's teeth without the Hollywood help. Yeah, sort of like a vampire but without the cool goth vibe. So, we generally don't like to smile around strangers too much. Because, there's always someone who flinches a bit, unintentionally of course. Or, they offer to give you their dentist's info because, "Oh honey, you know you can get that fixed these days, right?" My favorite was someone who said, "You're so tall and so pretty, it's a shame about those teeth. tsk. You could've been a model. But, you can always do something else." Or, someone's kid says something. Because kids, like their parents, will say the damndest things without thinking about it first. Honestly, look at all the crap Kirsten Dunst deals with over her teeth, and they're nowhere near as "snaggled" as ours. Imagine what would happen if I smiled for the papparazzi. I might break a camera lens. It could be a cascade of shattering glass on a red carpet. Actually, that might be cool to see. Maybe I'll try that sometime...

Anyway, we have slow, shy smiles. Smiles that will brighten the face and reach the eyes, but take time building. So, you know it really was funny if you get one of us to smile. You know it's genuine, because we don't smile at just anything. Oh, you might get a control-smile; slight curve of the lips with no teeth. But, that's just social-contract smiling. Something that lets us walk away faster.

And then there's the whole self-image thing. We don't really have the strongest. We're tall. We're even statuesque sometimes. We're pretty, and sometimes let ourselves believe it. We're strong-minded women. We're even strong willed, if the need arises. We are very intelligent, quick-witted and often funny and articulate. We are pretty-on-the-inside people, which makes us beautiful.

I look at pictures of myself, my sister, and my mother, and we REALLY look related. We have our mother's height, bone structure, skin, eyes and nose. You can see our father's contributions too, but we definitely look like our mother. We have our mother's slow, shy smile. I am my mother's daughter, and I'm proud of that.

Let's begin with the general & work our way in

2009-03-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

I know, it's hardly original. "25 Things About Me" is so last month's Facebook craze. But, I thought I'd start with this as my toe-in-the-water post. A place to to begin those rolling eyes and frustrated sighs, the charm behind the whine, dazzling wits and dumbfounding fits. A place I can look back on and wonder, "how did I get here from there?" I'll do the serious/introspective/daily grind/serendipity stuff later. Because life's no fun without incriminating evidence. To the list!

25 Random Things About Me

1. Sometimes, I wake up on the weekends because I think I smell toast being made in the kitchen with cinnamon raisin bread & I really want some. We don't have a toaster.

2. I broke 2 bones at once by falling out of a tree house when I was four.

3. I obsess over lists of completely random things. For example? Gray food. How many gray foods can you name? Which ones taste good even though they look awful? Beef stroganoff, cream of mushroom soup, chicken pot pie, turkey gravy...

4. I have completely random run-ins with total strangers. No idea why, it just seems to happen. Two days ago, the cashier at Target (a nice Asian woman with a very strong accent) said to me, "Oooh! You a taaall lady! Me like! You lovely like statue! But you have arm!" Also, while I was walking my dog a few months ago, a homeless man who was throwing up next to a tree suddenly stopped vomiting, looked at me and said, "See, if I had a woman like you I wouldn't need Larry here. Larry's a damn bastard! But you! You're a keeper!" Then he resumed vomiting. There was no one else around.

5. I hate torture-porn films. I think they're disgusting and vile and thoroughly irredeemable in any conceivable way. But, if you really want to freak me out so that I can't sleep for weeks, something terrible has to happen to hands or feet.

6. My biggest pet peeve is when someone walks up to me and asks, "Whatcha doin'?" while I'm reading a book. I'm alone, reading and have obviously been reading for a while. What do you THINK I'm doing??

7. My second biggest pet peeve is when dog owners refuse to pick up after their dogs. Which is bad enough, but THEN they get mad when they step in another dog's poop. Seriously?! You own a dog & can't be bothered to bring a bag on walks, yet you get mad at the nerve of other dog owners who do what you do?! SERIOUSLY?!

8. I am disgusted by The News on any t.v. station. It's just gossip & fear mongering anymore.

9. I am allergic to wheat and have recently developed lactose intolerance. I have also begun composing poetry in my head dedicated to the foods I wish I could eat. Odes, limericks, haikus, love poems celebrating the grilled cheese sandwich, macaroni & cheese, cheesecake...

10. I count things. The number of steps from the computer to the fridge: 10. I'll pick a random word & count how many times it pops up in whatever I'm reading throughout the day. Today's word was "familiar": 2. The number of people I see who have one shoelace untied & don't know it: 4. And etc...

11. I think moose are adorable. Even in real life, and I've seen one in person before.

12. I think every desk needs a huge, heavy, old fashioned stapler. One so heavy it could be used as a weapon. You know, just in case. In case of what? I have no idea. Do I have one? No.

13. I like to walk around naked in our apartment. It's a good thing no one ever decides to come over on a whim.

14. Our dog's vocabulary is so big, when talking about taking him to the park or on a walk, we can no longer say "park," "dogpark," "walk," sojourn," "wander," "hike," "meander," "constitutional,"or "run." We have to say "perambulation arena," & it's only a matter of time before he figures that one out, too.

15. I love Science Fiction.

16. I don't like cats because I don't like the idea of having a box of poop in the house. Also, cats are crazy. (But, not your cat. Your cat is a wonderful creature that only poops rainbows and sunshine.)

17. I am addicted to Etsy.com.

18. I don't like peanut butter in my candy. Why ruin a perfectly good piece of chocolate by adding peanut butter? Where's the sense in that? Unless you started with totally crap chocolate, but if that's the case why are you bothering in the first place?

19. I think geeks and gamers are some of the best people on the planet. But, I hate gaming & often find myself with no one to hang out with. Because everyone I know is gaming. With each other.

20. If I had to pick personal heroes, I would choose Connie Willis, Douglas Adams, Neil Gaiman, Isaac Asimov and Terry Pratchett.

21. When I was little, I was convinced butterflies were called "flutter-bys," because that's what they do.

22. Sometimes, if someone is yelling at me, I laugh just to make the situation worse. It throws them off and it gives me a tiny bit of control over the situation. Also, when you can't cry, you laugh. Because my life can feel like a study in the absurd.

23. Foods I have eaten include: venison, swan, squirrel, duck, liver, shark, buffalo, haggis, ostrich, steamed mussels, tongue, sea urchin, spam, sardines, emu, rabbit and liverwurst. Foods I will never eat again include: tongue, sea urchin, sardines, saurkraut and lima beans. I love brussels sprouts and my mom's fruitcake.

24. I miss having someone to hang out with and over-share the details of our lives without judgements or cliches. Just two regular people looking for understanding, acceptance and a lot of laughter.

25. Staring at the stars on a hot summer night makes me feel better, helps me relax a little.